Why Couples lose Connection (And How to Get It Back!)
As time rolls by our daily lives get full; with work, upkeep of our home, financial issues, children, and more. So, it’s not uncommon for there to one day be a sudden realisation — maybe when the children have moved out — that there is just the two of you left sharing a home and you feel you don’t know each other any more. It is easy to loose sight of ourselves along the way and our relationship with our partner too.
How connection is lost
More often than not, we put routines/schedules in place to have some order in our busy lives. But with time the wheels start to wobble (and may even fall off) because we find we are so consumed with those routines. We forget about not only ourselves but the relationship we are in.
You stop communicating, and intimacy falls to the bottom of the to-do list, because exhaustion doesn’t allow for self care and the nurturing of your relationship. You stop seeing your partner as the person you fell in love with. And they are just ‘there’, come rain or shine… but that connection isn’t there anymore. Not only with them, but with yourself. Your identity over time has become the ‘other half’, ‘the parent’, and you have lost sight of who you are and what your needs are as an individual and as a couple.
There is no ‘you’ time… let alone ‘us’!
I hear this on a weekly basis from couples that find themselves at this point in their relationship and feel lost. The things you fell in love with now annoy you and sometimes to distraction. That quirky laugh now grates on you. Their sense of humour that once made you laugh you find childish and inappropriate. Sometimes a partner will do things just to get your attention, as any attention is better than being ignored even when the payoff is negative to them. One or both of you may have lost all sense of fun, which can lead to low mood and a sense of ‘why are we even together’ and the connection is lost.
Relationships are hard work, and we do have to find time to invest in ourselves and each other to keep harmony alive. Life is too short to not invest some of our time to communicate and laugh.
Can you get back what you once had…? The answer is YES! But it will take time and effort on both sides to invest in yourself and each other.
Things you can do today to reconnect
Start the day asking your partner if they had a good night’s sleep. This shows you notice them and are interested in their wellbeing.
Leave them a note saying “I hope you have a good day, see you later”.
Sit next to each other on the sofa instead of in different areas of the room.
Flirt with each other. Most relationships start with flirting but somehow gets lost along the way. How? Smiling, compliments, holding hands, eye contact, and being playful.
Pay attention to little things, like saying “ I love you in that dress/suit.” What does this do? Well, it tells your partner you see them. That they are not invisible to you.
Say please and thank you. This says you’re not taking the things they need you to do or that you have done for granted.
Start doing the things you enjoyed doing together before that you don’t find the time or enthusiasm to do anymore. Or ask each other about the things you always said you would do (within reason) but haven’t. See if you make one of those plans a reality.
Find a hobby you can do together. This could be something that is free, like finding new places to walk. Then, you can talk about what you see on that walk. For instance, the changing of the season and what you like about it. Simple things like this open up conversation and you might discover new things about each other.
Be present. Listen and hear your partner out, give them time to talk, and ask them to give you that time also, so they can understand you too.
Where couples therapy can help
One of the biggest things I see in the therapy room is couples talking over each other, which causes frustration for the partner trying to speak. This is when couples counselling can help, as part of my role is to help you learn to communicate better; by respectfully asking the partner talking over the other to allow them to finish, and help them to simply listen, as well as reassuring them they will have their time to respond.
Start your journey today, and email or call me to book a free 15-minute consultation.