13 Tips For Talking to Your Children about Your Cancer
One of the hardest situations you may experience — if not the hardest — is telling your child/children you have been diagnosed with cancer.
Wanting to protect them is natural, which may be the reason you haven’t told them yet, but children are quick to pick up on your anxiety as well as changes around their normal routine. They can’t make sense of it which may cause them to feel anxious, frightened and alone with no one to talk to. They may feel they have done something wrong, or are not important enough to be included with some of your conversations.
Parents often ask me, when is the right time to tell their child? While there is never a ‘right’ time, there will come a time when you will need to find the strength to talk to them.
So, here is a list of things to consider for when that time comes:
Tell them in a safe place where you spend time together. You may find it helpful to have some support with you to help and comfort them.
Tell them on a weekend when they don’t have to be anywhere the next day. This gives them time to reflect on what you have told them, and there is ample opportunity to ask you questions, which may take time for them to come to you with.
Telling an older sibling but not the younger one may be a huge burden for them to carry, so be mindful of this.
Talk to them in the same language you would normally use. Consider the age of the youngest child, you may have to explain to them in more detail after if you have an older sibling.
Keep the details simple. Reassure them that the treatment you are having may make you feel poorly, but that it is to help treat your cancer. That things may change at home, you may feel tired and need to sleep more and may need a little help from them and others. That you still need those cuddles and it’s ok to ask for one.
Keep the dialogue open. Reassure them that if they have any questions then it’s ok and important to ask and you will try to answer their question, but that you may not always have the answers. This way you can monitor what they are thinking and feeling to reassure and help them.
Let their school or play school know what is happening. Sometimes children withdraw or act out in a way that they wouldn’t normally, so, this way the school can also help them. Let your children know you have spoken to their school so they feel it’s ok to talk to them about how they are feeling. There may be counselling services available or a Chaplin they can speak to in private if they need the extra support, so this is worth investigating as this will be a safe space for them to speak openly. There may be local charities in you area that can also help support you and your children.
Your children may ask you a direct and heart wrenching question that you dread. Perhaps the hardest question is, ”Are you going to die?” One way you might consider answering this is along the lines of ‘I am doing everything I can by having the treatment to help the cancer go away or stop it growing.’ But it’s important to stay in the here and now about the treatment you are having.
Ask them what they have understood. You may need you to repeat what you have told them again or in the future when they have had a little time to think about it. Sometimes children can’t take in too much information at once, the same as adults struggle too.
Your children/child may become clingy, so reassurance may be needed.
Talk to them about family and friends that will always be there to look after them if you can’t, as you may have to occasionally spend some time in hospital.
Let them know that your cancer is not their fault, that they have done nothing to cause it. Sometimes children may think that when they were naughty or said things to you in the past that they are responsible for your getting cancer.
Young children may find it helpful if you show them where your cancer is by using a toy. Not their favourite one, though, as they may need that for comfort and you don’t want to take that comfort toy attachment away from them. Instead, use one that they don’t have an attachment to and point to the area in your body that has the cancer.
I hope some of these tips help you at such a difficult time. If I can be of any help to you through counselling, please do get in touch.